3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
