I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
