how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
