she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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