I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
