MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
