where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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