insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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