Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
