the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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