Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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