The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
