you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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