We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
