she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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