I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
