Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
