Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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