I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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