you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
