is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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