awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
