Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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