as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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