i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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