I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
