please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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