Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
