Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
