I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
