If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
