I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
