I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
