I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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