my shit smells like andre
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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