If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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