im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
