Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
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