Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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