So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
