my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
