this beer tastes like vomit already
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
