i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
