My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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