I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I want a musical about memes.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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