wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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