i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
