After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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