worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
