Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
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This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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