The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
