Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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