I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
