You just made me feel so damn special
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
