so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
