Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
